Make me laugh, please!

/ Tracy Abell
"Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion.  I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward." 
— Kurt Vonnegut

This evening Zippy and I go to the high school for Wildebeest’s parent-teacher conferences.
I’m not looking forward to it.
In fact, my neck and shoulder muscles and the top of my scalp are tight.  Very tight.

I could sure use some laughs about now.
So if you’ve got anything funny you’ve been waiting to share, now’s the time.

          

50 thoughts on “Make me laugh, please!”

  1. A lobster and a priest walk into a bar…
    OK, that was lame. Have a nice glass of wine. We all develop at our own pace. Wildebeest will be fine – he’s got great parents. ;o)

    Like

    • No fair, I want to know what happens!
      See, you made me laugh. Thank you for that (and the kind words). I’ll save the wine for when I get home, seeing as I might need more than a glass. Ahem.

      Like

  2. A lobster and a priest walk into a bar…

    OK, that was lame. Have a nice glass of wine. We all develop at our own pace. Wildebeest will be fine – he’s got great parents. ;o)

    Like

  5. No fair, I want to know what happens!

    See, you made me laugh. Thank you for that (and the kind words). I’ll save the wine for when I get home, seeing as I might need more than a glass. Ahem.

    Like

  7. Good luck — I’m sure you will all be fine.
    I don’t have any jokes sadly. But my 10 month old can poop on demand. I’ll spare you the details…but isn’t that a funny image to have in your head before the conference? My six year old at least thinks it’s hilarious!
    take care

    Like

    • Sheela, I’m laughing right now. This is exactly the sort of stuff I need. Not necessarily jokes but snippets from real lives.
      Pooping on demand, huh? I’m with your six-year-old; that’s hilarious.
      Thank you for helping to loosen me up.

      Like

  8. Good luck — I’m sure you will all be fine.

    I don’t have any jokes sadly. But my 10 month old can poop on demand. I’ll spare you the details…but isn’t that a funny image to have in your head before the conference? My six year old at least thinks it’s hilarious!

    take care

    Like

  9. Sheela, I’m laughing right now. This is exactly the sort of stuff I need. Not necessarily jokes but snippets from real lives.

    Pooping on demand, huh? I’m with your six-year-old; that’s hilarious.

    Thank you for helping to loosen me up.

    Like

  10. Since you asked . . .
    This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It’s PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
    Dear Mr. Thatcher,
    I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
    Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?
    As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.
    The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’
    Are you f—— kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
    For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’,
    Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always. ..
    Best,
    Wendi Aarons
    Austin , TX

    Like

  11. Since you asked . . .

    This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It’s PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

    Dear Mr. Thatcher,

    I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

    Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?

    As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.

    The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

    Are you f—— kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

    For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’,

    Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always. ..

    Best,

    Wendi Aarons
    Austin , TX

    Like

  12. And also, this
    The Black Bra
    >>
    >> I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is
    >> engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been
    >> married for 20+ years.
    >>
    >> We were chatting about our relationships and decided to
    >> amaze our
    >> men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a
    >> mask over our
    >> eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
    >> Here’s how it
    >> all went.
    >>
    >> My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend
    >> came over he
    >> found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos
    >> and a mask. He
    >> saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams. I
    >> love you.’ Then
    >> we made love all night long.
    >>
    >> The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at
    >> his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels
    >> and mask over
    >> my eyes and a raincoat.. When I opened the raincoat he
    >> didn’t say a
    >> word, but we had wild sex all night.
    >>
    >> Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home
    >> I
    >> was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings,
    >> stilettos and a mask
    >> over my eyes.
    >> As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> ‘What’s for dinner, Batman?

    Like

  13. And also, this

    The Black Bra
    >>
    >> I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is
    >> engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been
    >> married for 20+ years.
    >>
    >> We were chatting about our relationships and decided to
    >> amaze our
    >> men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a
    >> mask over our
    >> eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
    >> Here’s how it
    >> all went.
    >>
    >> My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend
    >> came over he
    >> found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos
    >> and a mask. He
    >> saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams. I
    >> love you.’ Then
    >> we made love all night long.
    >>
    >> The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at
    >> his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels
    >> and mask over
    >> my eyes and a raincoat.. When I opened the raincoat he
    >> didn’t say a
    >> word, but we had wild sex all night.
    >>
    >> Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home
    >> I
    >> was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings,
    >> stilettos and a mask
    >> over my eyes.
    >> As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >>
    >> ‘What’s for dinner, Batman?

    Like

  16. A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
    The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
    ‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked.
    The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has your picture on it.’
    The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the p policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said.
    The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.’

    Like

  17. 1. The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
    3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
    5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
    6. Now matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
    7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
    8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
    9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
    11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
    12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’
    14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
    15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
    16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
    17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
    18. It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
    19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
    20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
    21. A backward poet writes inverse.
    22. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
    23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
    24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

    Like

    • “it turned out to be an optical Aleutian”
      Yikes, my MC says something similar in my book.
      These are all very funny but I laughed out loud at “I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.”
      Thanks for making me smile and unwind a bit after a difficult round of conferences, Barb. Whew. We made it.

      Like

  18. 1. The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

    3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

    6. Now matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

    7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

    8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

    12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’

    14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

    16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

    17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

    18. It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

    19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    21. A backward poet writes inverse.

    22. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

    23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

    Like

  19. Re: Since you asked . . .

    This is so damned funny. Zebu (male, 12) came in and asked if I was laughing or crying. I told him I was laughing and that he was welcome to read it although not being female he might not find it all that funny. He laughed some, too.

    Thank you, Kelly. That did my soul some good.

    Like

  21. “it turned out to be an optical Aleutian”
    Yikes, my MC says something similar in my book.

    These are all very funny but I laughed out loud at “I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.”

    Thanks for making me smile and unwind a bit after a difficult round of conferences, Barb. Whew. We made it.

    Like

  23. Re: Since you asked . . .

    I have people in my life who forward all sorts of stuff to me and I’ve gotten to the point I delete without even looking. But this one is definitely a keeper.

    Like

      • BEER!?
        At a parent-teacher conference?!
        I’M MOVING BACK TO COLORADO!
        Oh wait, now I see the “then.” THEN there was beer. But seriously, I think I have a new suggestion for our local school’s PTA.
        And yes! I have stories. Hilarious AFTERWARD stories. Did I ever tell you about the time our then-seven year old called 911 and said “Help! The children in this house are being held captive!”

        Like

        • Re: BEER!?
          I think you should move back to CO because then there’d be two of us pushing that beer-conference initiative.
          After the fact stories are grand, aren’t they? But I’m sure it took quite a bit of distance before you laughed about that 911 call. Did you have to get on the phone and explain yourself out of it? Did your child do it unprovoked or was it in a moment of chaos?
          Wildebeest made a sign once and held it up in the car. Something about being held captive. Funny thing, no one felt the need to rescue him. I’m sure I would’ve welcomed a rescue at that point, though.

          Like

          • Re: BEER!?
            Did you have to get on the phone and explain yourself out of it? Did your child do it unprovoked or was it in a moment of chaos?
            The police came to the house, of course! It was fun! Ha HA!
            And I think I was doing dishes at the time and my husband was playing with our daughter and watching football in the family room.

            Like

            • Re: BEER!?
              Police at the door! Oh, no. That’s a bad one. On the other hand, speaking as one whose home is often in chaos, maybe it’s better you were all being so calm and family-like when they showed up. Less explaining to do.

              Like

  27. BEER!?

    At a parent-teacher conference?!

    I’M MOVING BACK TO COLORADO!

    Oh wait, now I see the “then.” THEN there was beer. But seriously, I think I have a new suggestion for our local school’s PTA.

    And yes! I have stories. Hilarious AFTERWARD stories. Did I ever tell you about the time our then-seven year old called 911 and said “Help! The children in this house are being held captive!”

    Like

  28. Re: BEER!?

    I think you should move back to CO because then there’d be two of us pushing that beer-conference initiative.

    After the fact stories are grand, aren’t they? But I’m sure it took quite a bit of distance before you laughed about that 911 call. Did you have to get on the phone and explain yourself out of it? Did your child do it unprovoked or was it in a moment of chaos?

    Wildebeest made a sign once and held it up in the car. Something about being held captive. Funny thing, no one felt the need to rescue him. I’m sure I would’ve welcomed a rescue at that point, though.

    Like

  29. Re: BEER!?

    Did you have to get on the phone and explain yourself out of it? Did your child do it unprovoked or was it in a moment of chaos?

    The police came to the house, of course! It was fun! Ha HA!

    And I think I was doing dishes at the time and my husband was playing with our daughter and watching football in the family room.

    Like

  30. Re: BEER!?

    Police at the door! Oh, no. That’s a bad one. On the other hand, speaking as one whose home is often in chaos, maybe it’s better you were all being so calm and family-like when they showed up. Less explaining to do.

    Like

Comments are closed.