CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — A new study, conducted by researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, has found the heat capacity of witches’ tits to be significantly higher than previously believed.

"For years, the public has assumed that the breasts of witches maintain temperatures at or around the freezing point of water," said team leader Phillip McCracken in a telephone interview. "Through a series of revolutionary experiments, we have been able to determine that they actually achieve an average temperature of 72 degrees Fahrenheit."

The researchers do not currently understand why witches’ tits — while certainly warmer than expected — are nearly 27 degrees cooler than the tits of normal humans.

"Unfortunately, theory behind the thermodynamics of thaumaturgic mammaries is sadly under-investigated," added McCracken.

Magdalena Chancerly, the president of the National Organization of Wiccans in Salem, received the news of the scientists’ findings with enthusiasm. "You can only hear ‘cold as a witch’s tit’ so many times before becoming offended. I, for one, am glad to have my breasts associated with the comfortable climate of spring instead of the chill of winter."

Michael Genrich is a Boston-based writer and compu-chimp. He accepts full responsibility for The Daily Instigator.